How to talk about divorce, and what you might encounter?

Why do men ask for divorce?

Divorce is a consequence of dissatisfaction in marriage. Much more often it is women who initiate the breakup, but men also often demand divorce for the following reasons:

• serious changes in the character, habits, appearance or life position of the spouse;
• frequent scandals, inability to find a common language;
• mismatch of life goals;
• infidelity and betrayal on the part of the spouse;
• reproaches and an incessant stream of criticism;
• bad habits, such as alcohol addiction;
• dishonesty;
• fading of feelings, cooling of relationships.

READ How to forget your wife after a divorce: advice from psychologists

In some cases, both partners realize that the marriage has exhausted itself. In order not to torment each other by living together, the spouses decide to divorce. Mutual consent to divorce is the best option.

A common reason for a breakup is that one of the spouses is having an affair. In such a situation, separation does not happen overnight. It can take years from the start of an affair to the official divorce. To break up without hostility and mutual insults, it is better to do it earlier.

Statistics show that the average age of young people at the time of their first marriage is less than 20 years. This suggests that many families were created by partners who did not have enough experience to understand the full responsibility and perspective of the relationship. Such marriages do not survive periods of crisis in 60% of cases. As partners age, they realize that they have made a mistake and rush to end the relationship.

What else is important

Over the many years of marriage, children have probably been born to the couple. A man must definitely talk to them and explain why he made such a decision. It is important to convince children that they are not to blame for anything, that the attitude on his part or on the part of his wife will not change, and they will still be the most loved. Children should be confident that dad is not abandoning them.

There is no need to stoop below your dignity and put pressure on your ex-wife through threats and blackmail. A man should definitely remember that he was in love with this woman, they have many pleasant memories together, and they also grew up with wonderful children. Issues regarding divorce should be resolved peacefully and calmly. Never allow yourself to offend a woman.

The difficult decision to break up must be made soberly, assessing all sides of the issue. The best outcome is a friendly and warm relationship with your ex after a divorce.

How to prepare for a conversation with your wife

Before informing your wife about the planned divorce, you should carefully prepare. It is important that she is the first to know about her husband’s decision. If information leaks from outside sources, this will only make the situation worse. There are rules that will help you properly prepare for a conversation:

1. You need to finally make sure that the decision you made is correct.
2. It is worth getting rid of the feeling of guilt.
3. It is necessary to think about the practical side of the process.
4. It is worth choosing a suitable time when nothing will distract from the conversation.

You need to be firm in your decision, but you should not concentrate on the negative aspects of marriage. This will increase determination, but can turn the divorce message into a heated argument.

READ How to forget your ex-husband after divorce: advice from a psychologist

What do psychologists advise you to do when preparing for a conversation?

It is important to properly prepare yourself before the conversation; this will be much easier if you take note of the following rules:

• First, think about your decision, whether it was made from a rational point of view or based on emotions. In any case, your statement will shock your spouse, so you should be as confident as possible in your decision. Now your task is to choose the right words so as not to morally destroy your wife. Remember that her self-esteem should not suffer and lead the woman to deep depression. We want to leave peacefully, right?
• If you know very well the character of your spouse and can assume that in a fit of anger she may behave unbalanced, then you need to prepare copies of the documents needed for divorce. If your young lady destroys the originals in a fit of anger, it will not be easy to restore them, and the divorce will drag on indefinitely.
• Report your decision in a quiet place, preferably at home, so that strangers do not witness the quarrel.
• You should also not talk about the desire to divorce in the morning or before work, especially if you know that a difficult day awaits your wife. Psychologists believe that sleepy women may react inadequately to negative information, and it’s not entirely right for you to ruin a person’s new day.
• During the conversation, do not focus on the negative aspects of your relationship. Try to communicate in a gentle manner that you do not feel the same feelings as before. If you find it difficult to find the right words, psychologists advise telling your wife about the divorce in a letter, but you don’t need to act like a coward, leave it on the table and quietly walk away - an absolutely useless option. It’s better to look into your wife’s eyes, hand her a note and wait for her to read it in your presence.
• You must be confident in your decision. Words like “probably”, “maybe”, “I think it will be better” will not smooth out the situation, do not give false hopes. Say directly: “I am sure I want a divorce and have already filed for divorce.” Do not go back on your words, even if you hear requests for a second chance, otherwise this rigmarole may last forever.

Your task is not to part as enemies, but also not to give non-existent hopes to your spouse.

What to talk about with your spouse before announcing your divorce

The decision to divorce does not arise spontaneously. Without preparation, telling your wife that I want a divorce is a bad idea. The suddenness of the situation will produce the effect of a nuclear explosion. This can break a woman's heart. But it’s also not worth pretending that nothing is happening.

It must be said about dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. For example, if life in marriage did not work out due to problems in the intimate sphere, then it is worth discussing this before the divorce. At that stage, while the marriage can still be saved, it is worth trying to voice all existing problems. If dialogue does not lead to positive change, it is worth starting to think about a radical solution.

Before the final conversation, which will put everything in its place, it is also worth discussing the prospects for the future. If during their cohabitation the spouses managed to acquire joint property, it is necessary to discuss the possibilities of dividing it. Getting a good divorce, avoiding high-profile scandals and litigation over housing issues, is an art. Preliminary preparation will help prevent troubles in the divorce process.

READ How a woman can decide to divorce her husband: advice from a psychologist

If spouses have children together, you need to take care of their future fate. A calm discussion of this issue will create the most favorable atmosphere for the smallest family members who painfully experience such events.

When there is a child in the family, you need to tell your wife about the divorce before he finds out about it. Adults are obliged to act together in such a situation in order to prepare the fragile psyche of children for such a message. It’s also not worth asking children for advice in such a situation - they just need to be directly presented with the fact of impending changes in the life of mom and dad. It is important to explain that the parents' decision to divorce will not affect their relationship with their children, and also to emphasize that they are still loved.

There is one more important nuance - you should not heat up the situation before a divorce. It is advisable to ensure that there are no scandals in the family. During this time, it is worthwhile to prepare as much as possible for the legal and practical side of the process. It is necessary to prepare all documents for material property, consult with a lawyer, and consider all possibilities for dividing property. You should think about your property rights, as well as providing for your children. All of these questions can catch spouses who want to end their marital relationship by surprise.

READ How to divorce your wife: advice to men who have decided to end their marriage

Why do women leave their husbands?

For most women, family is the meaning of life and the main purpose. But even this fact does not stop them from divorce if the husband:

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• suffers from addiction (gaming, alcohol, drugs);
• hits his wife;
• cheats on her;
• stops paying attention to her;
• does not provide for the family.

Everyone wants to relax after a hard day or week. There are various ways to do this: bathhouse, shopping, reading books, going out of town, gatherings with friends. Many people will prefer to drink a bottle of beer or a glass of wine after work, which is completely acceptable. But when this process occurs systematically, the husband stops going to work, he smells of fumes - it is unpleasant for the wife to watch this. A drunken husband provokes a woman to leave the family. The same applies to drugs and gambling. In this case, it is almost impossible to return your wife.

Domestic violence is also a common problem. A large number of women endure bullying while their husbands raise them and assert themselves. Spouses who understand that it is impossible to change the situation leave their partners. They either leave for another worthy man or are left alone.

Every girl, when she gets married, imagines herself as the only lady in her partner’s heart. She wants to be loved, needed and always be near her husband. But suddenly she finds out (either herself or from strangers) that he has a mistress. This news greatly hurts, offends and shocks her. Then the emotions are released, she forgives her beloved, remaining to live with him. There are real stories of how husbands got their loved ones back after cheating. But besides this category of women, there is another one: ladies who are not going to put up with cheating, pack their things and leave. It is important for them that their partner is loving and faithful.

At the beginning of a relationship, men pay a lot of attention to the girls they love. They are affectionate, gentle, give flowers, take them to cafes, parks and theaters, and take care of them. The ladies believe that this will always be the case and accept the marriage proposal. After years, husbands relax, they become confident that their wife will not go anywhere, especially since they have children. The wife is ready to put up with the lack of attention, because the husband brings money into the house and does not have a mistress. But then she begins to receive more love and attention from another man. There is a high probability that a woman will not see the point of staying with an indifferent partner and will leave him.

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Again, when a relationship begins, people are in love with each other and practically do not see any shortcomings. Let them live in a rented apartment, but they are so young, everything is ahead of them, they will earn money, their husband has a promising profession. Everyone has ups and downs in life. Likewise, a spouse’s career may stagnate. His wife understands and supports him, trying to earn more to feed the family. Some men like it, they stop striving for better. The woman has neither time nor money left for herself. She wants to feel weak with another partner, she is looking for a more reliable person.

How to tell your wife about this

After the preparatory stage, it is worth moving on to decisive action. It is undesirable to delay voicing a decision, as this will make the process even more painful. Here are the main rules for men:

• you need to do it confidently;
• be sure to voice arguments and reasons;
• It is worth emphasizing that the decision is final.

It’s worth starting the conversation by voicing a solution. After this, the man should explain the reasons for wanting to end the marriage. It is also important to listen to your spouse’s opinion on this matter, but not to give her arguments the opportunity to influence your decision. It is important to avoid reproaches and accusations. Divorce is a painful event. Reproaches will only increase the traumatic effect of the message.

A man should also voice his vision of the relationship with his ex-wife, discuss the possibility of financial support, and issues related to raising children. If we can resolve all this peacefully, without involving the court, then it’s worth trying to come to an agreement.

We must not forget about the positive aspects that were in the marriage. To part ways gracefully, a man should thank the woman for the years they lived together and all the good things that happened in them. This approach will allow you to part without mutual offense and even, perhaps, remain friends.

How to get your wife back

If the wife filed for divorce, but managed to return her to the family, this is not enough. Now we need to achieve its original location:

• to pay more attention;
• do nice little things;
• give compliments;
• bring romance into relationships.

More attention

Paying more attention to a woman is quite simple. If you want to get your wife back, it is enough to set aside at least one hour a day to put aside personal matters. At this time, it’s worth going out together for a walk, doing a common activity (going to the skating rink, swimming pool, sauna, picking mushrooms), and just talking. Remembering how you kissed at the entrance, you can repeat it.

In addition to spending time together, you need to remember your words. She will be pleased to hear that she is unique, cooks deliciously, and knits beautifully. A bouquet of flowers on an ordinary day will delight a woman, and a self-prepared dinner for her when she comes home from work will delight her. It's even more efficient to cook with two people. Joint activities bring people closer together and make their relationships stronger.

Sex life should also not be ignored in order to regain your wife’s affection. Lovemaking should be regular and varied. It's time to try a new position or an unusual place for sex with your wife.

Pleasant trifles

Small actions can also help bring back a wife tired of monotony, if she doesn’t have another one. This could be recharging her mobile phone account, delivering lunch to her at work. The wife will be pleased to receive a handwritten note from her husband, or at least a message on a social network. Even more surprising is breakfast in bed prepared by a man.

Compliments

Men sometimes forget to praise their wife’s delicious dinner, taking her efforts for granted. They are indifferent to her new dress and hairstyle. This upsets women because they try so hard to be the best for their husbands. The fact that a partner does not notice this lowers a woman’s self-esteem. The lady loses the desire to cook her husband’s favorite dishes, iron his shirts, and take care of herself.

Women spend a lot of time to look impressive for the sake of their loved one: doing manicures, haircuts, styling, and makeup. They want their partners to admire them, to notice the new dress and the color of lipstick that suits her. They are pleased to hear compliments about their figure, eye color and other features.

Romantic pastime

Men do not like romantic actions, but this will have to be done if you want to return your beloved wife. It's time to start visiting restaurants, theaters, and exhibitions with her. For many people, traveling together or going out of town helps them get closer again. An ordinary dinner at home can also be turned into a romantic one. It is enough to change the table setting, take out the festive service from the cabinets, and light the candles.

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Romance isn't just about dinner in the dark. It also manifests itself in other actions, for example, in a secret visit. This is when a wife accompanies her husband on a business trip for a week, and he arrives three days later with balloons and a heart cake.

An unusual act would be to send a woman a love message. But it will not be a letter, but a dove with a love note. Such an act will help regain the wife's favor. Instead of a letter, you can present your loved one with a cake with a note inside.

How not to speak

Telling your wife you want a divorce in a fit of emotional heat, and then regretting the impulsive decision is the worst-case scenario. Do not rush to voice thoughts about a breakup. There are other prohibited techniques that are undesirable to use:

1. It is dangerous to start a conversation with reproaches. If you already have a firm decision to end the relationship, there is no point in criticizing the mistakes of the past. This is not constructive.
2. You cannot develop a conversation in a state of strong emotional intensity. It will end in a quarrel.
3. It is forbidden to start a conversation about separation in front of witnesses. This dialogue must take place face-to-face, only in this way will it be possible to reach a compromise and reach an agreement.
4. The breakup message should not be rushed. To talk about the upcoming separation, you need to choose a time when both partners are free from business.

Each person is unique, so the approach should be sought based on the personal characteristics of the wife. You need to choose a method that will allow you to negotiate the separation constructively and calmly. It is advisable to undergo psychological consultation before this. A specialist will help you develop the most appropriate strategy. For a man who doesn’t know how to tell his wife about a divorce, timely advice from a psychologist will be a lifeline and help him not to delay the breakup.

What you need to be prepared for when talking to your wife

You shouldn’t expect your wife to breathe a sigh of relief after announcing the breakup. Even if this is a mutual decision, the process will still have traumatic consequences. If you prepare yourself in advance for possible reactions, the dialogue will be constructive and moderately calm. You need to prepare for the following scenarios:

• spouse's refusal to divorce;
• persuasion;
• threats and blackmail.

It is necessary to explain to the wife that the decision is irrevocable and final. To do this, you must stand your ground. Often women oppose such an initiative, trying to prevent divorce by all available methods.

If the spouse refuses to consent to divorce, the man has two options. The first is to convince her of the need for such a step, using arguments. In the dialogue, the spouse will use her arguments to convince her husband. We need to prepare counterarguments for the conversation. If this fails, then it is worth considering the option of terminating the relationship through the court.

READ How to tell your husband about divorce: advice from a psychologist

The most common scenario is threats and blackmail. Wives who do not want to divorce manipulate and blackmail with children and property. It will not be possible to have a constructive conversation and reach a compromise, so you should act exclusively within the legal framework. It is necessary to involve specialized lawyers to resolve legal relations and achieve fair court decisions.

Voicing a decision is a crucial step towards divorce, so it takes preparation, determination and courage. If you start thinking about everything in advance, you can avoid many troubles during the separation process.

Basic tips on how to properly inform your husband about a divorce

Although every situation, every couple and every relationship is unique, there are a few general recommendations that can be useful to almost everyone.

1. Think over the main points of the conversation in advance

This is not a case where you can rely solely on your improvisational skills. There are too many interfering factors here: your own anxiety, which will probably take place, and the state of your spouse, and his words. All of this can easily throw you off track if you don't have a clear "skeleton" of conversation in mind that you decide to stick to.

1. Explain your reasons

The way you see and feel them. Some of them may be simpler, while others may relate more to the sensory sphere. But they all must be clearly stated. Whether it is different views on the place of residence or lack of sexual desire, radical differences in daily routines or disgust towards the spouse after some significant event - the husband has the right to know about it. And you have the right to consider these reasons sufficient to get a divorce. Remember this: you should not justify yourself with these reasons, you should only explain them clearly so that they are known to the other party. And they are all important and serious, since you decided so.

1. Consider taking a sedative

There is a 95% guarantee that you will be worried, so it may be worth slightly preparing your nervous system for the upcoming conversation. If your words are interrupted by convulsive sobs, then a constructive dialogue will not work. But this advice is quite individual: every adult, to one degree or another, knows what can help him in a situation of severe stress. You should not use alcohol as a sedative, since your mind should not be clouded.

1. Prepare to stick to your guns to the end

If your husband does not share your desire to divorce, then literally a drop of doubt, a treacherous tremor in your voice - and he may try to persuade you to change your decision. And you, quite possibly, will succumb to it. And then you will again be faced with everything that prompted you to tell your husband about the divorce, and with the need to re-plan and start this conversation. So if you decide that you are no longer on the same path with this person, find the courage to make this decision permanently. And do not give in to any attempts to shake your confidence, including irrational compromises.

1. Choose the right place and time

No matter what you think about your husband, there is a high probability that the words about divorce will become quite stressful for him. This doesn't mean that you should feel guilty about it - it does mean that the time and place should be one in which he will bear the stress in the least severe way. It may be necessary to wait for such conditions to occur. This is why it is so important to think through the dialogue and prepare for it in advance.

1. Consider your point of view on key organizational issues

When to file for divorce, who will pay the state fee, where both parties to the process will live after the divorce, how property will be divided, with whom the children will remain, what financial obligations will be assumed by the one who leaves the children to the other party (if you do not decide to issue joint custody ). If any of these questions cause you doubts, do not be lazy to consult a professional lawyer. Because, unfortunately, your husband can use uncertainty and hesitations during a conversation about divorce against you.

1. Say "thank you" for this part of your life

This is advice from a psychologist that will help you close the ended chapter and open a new one. At the end of the conversation about divorce, when the main points have been discussed, remember what good the time spent with your husband brought you, and thank him for it. Give thanks and say goodbye, because there is something different, but no less good, waiting for you ahead. In principle, this part of the conversation can be postponed until the end of the divorce process, but in principle it should not be omitted. Otherwise, you will be left with a feeling of incompleteness, which will make it difficult to build new relationships.

It is advisable (with the exception of a few situations that we will talk about later) to tell your husband about the divorce when you are alone, without unnecessary ears and eyes. This is still a fairly serious and purely personal conversation, which should be conducted with a certain degree of confidentiality. If the spouse subsequently decides to tell his relatives/friends/acquaintances about its details, that is his business, but initially you should not talk about divorce in the presence of third parties.