Author of the article: Anastasia Ivanova Last modified: January 2021 18995
The Constitution and the Family Code of the Russian Federation give spouses the same rights and responsibilities in relation to their young children. Citizens who decide to divorce can independently agree on accommodation, as well as determine the procedure for communicating with the child after the divorce. If there are no disputes on these issues, the parties have the opportunity to draw up a peace agreement. In the event that an agreement cannot be reached, the former spouses are forced to resolve the problem in court.
Right to communicate
Expert commentary
Gorchakov Vladimir
Lawyer
Article No. 55 of the Family Code states that a child has the right to communicate with mom and dad, grandparents, brothers and sisters. According to the court decision, he remains to live with only one of the spouses, but the second parent can visit the child at any convenient time.
It is possible to limit the parental rights of a spouse living separately. The reason for this decision may be immoral behavior that causes trauma to the child’s mental health.
Other grounds for limiting meetings with a child are:
- Chronic alcoholism or drug use, as a result of which meetings are impossible;
- Manifestation of cruelty towards a minor;
- Psychological influence on a child with the aim of turning him against the other parent.
Former spouses living in different cities can communicate with children by phone or Internet.
The capital's psychologist told how to help a child survive his parents' divorce
How children at different ages experience their parents’ divorce, how you can support them during this difficult period, and where you can get free professional help for the whole family, says family psychologist Evgeniy Vlasov.
A happy, loving family is a truly strong fortress where adults and children can hide from the storms and adversities that are integral companions of our lives. How nice it is to feel protected, loved and valued. How calm it becomes when you realize that you and your loved ones are safe. And it’s so painful when parents made plans for a life together, put their efforts and souls into creating this lasting place called “family,” but for some reason they didn’t succeed. The remnants of hope slip away like sand through your fingers, the house of cards falls apart, and you see how your closest and beloved people are moving further and further away.
Childhood experiences
- In children under three years of age, parental quarrels and separation can cause feelings of fear and anxiety.
- Older children, from three to six years old, in the event of a family quarrel, would really like to somehow influence the situation and reconcile their parents. But at the same time, they feel that they are not capable of this, they feel powerlessness, which causes anxiety and self-doubt. Children of this age may also experience feelings of guilt.
- Younger students may blame themselves for their parents' divorce or find another culprit - one of the parents. Under such circumstances, children may begin to get sick.
- Teenagers may begin to show aggression and a tendency towards deviant behavior: theft, smoking, leaving home... This behavior is the result of helplessness, the inability to influence the situation and feelings of guilt.
Divorce in the family
The family was accompanied by a large family, where the parents at some point realized that they did not want to continue living together, and there were reasons for this - in particular, the husband’s deception. Unfortunately, they were unable to reach an agreement and remain friends.
The man, the father of the family, began to devalue his wife in every possible way, and he used rather rude methods: he obscenely insulted the mother in front of the children, told them that she was nothing of herself. This situation formed in children the awareness that they were involved in the discord of their parents.
“Face-to-face work was carried out with the children and their mother; the children’s father was in another city. Both parents were discussed with the children and work was carried out to form real images of parents with all their positive and negative sides. The children were explained that they were still loved by mom and dad, regardless of their relationship with each other. Over time, the children realized that they were not to blame for their parents’ divorce and that they themselves were responsible for their actions,” comments Evgeny Vlasov.
Children experience their parents' divorce very deeply. The images of mother and father begin to distort immediately as they move away from each other. But they begin to change even more when ex-spouses manipulate children and try to lure them to their side, presenting the partner in an unfavorable light.
“A child must rely on both parents. In his mental reflection there is an image of his mother and father. The more realistic and complete these images are within the child, the more stable he will feel in life,” explains the psychologist.
How to support your child during this period
- Maintain a normal life for your child: attending school and classes, daily routine, communicating with friends.
- Form a trusting relationship with your child, filled with warmth and acceptance.
- Explain to your child what is happening between mom and dad, but do not devalue your ex-spouse. Don't pit your child against the other parent.
- Give more time and attention to your child.
- Explain to him that both parents still love him and he is valuable to them, even though now mom and dad can’t be together.
- Do not limit the child’s communication with the other parent.
Remember the children
Not everything that we plan comes true. Sometimes life presents its own demands and circumstances, after which spouses can no longer be together. But this in no way frees us from the need to care for and bear responsibility for our children. Adults can and should solve such problems without involving their children in them.
“The situation of divorce in a family is very stressful for both children and parents. The optimal solution in such situations is the support of a psychologist, since the participation of a third party can provide significant assistance to adults and children. A psychologist will help you come to a conscious and balanced decision about the future life of the spouses, help you boldly look at the causes of family troubles and take everyone their share of responsibility,” explains Evgeny Vlasov.
City support
If you need outside support, My Family Center specialists will help you in such a difficult situation. Qualified psychologists work on the family basis: they provide support to families who are in different life situations, including divorce.
At the capital's family centers, you can get individual advice on all issues related to building relationships in the family. Family centers operate Mediation Services, staffed by specialist mediators who can become invaluable assistants in resolving conflicts and disputes related to determining the child’s place of residence, the procedure for communicating with children and other issues that arise during divorce.
Source
Press service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of Moscow
Children Agreement
A peace agreement is the best way to avoid traumatizing a child during a parental divorce. An agreement on children is concluded between the ex-husband and wife in writing, after which it is certified by a notary office.
The document indicates all controversial issues that may arise between parents:
- Place of residence of the child;
- Questions regarding the maintenance of joint children;
- Holidays with a child, trips abroad;
- Selection of educational and medical institutions;
- Communication with grandparents and other relatives;
- Duration of the agreement.
A meeting schedule allows you to organize communication with your child. It is drawn up by two parents, indicating the place of visit, duration of visits and days of visits. If the spouses cannot agree on a schedule, the court will establish the order of communication with the minor. When making a decision, the judge takes into account the position of the guardianship authorities, the child over 10 years old, as well as his emotional attachment to each family member.
How to tell children about divorce? [↑]
In the optimal case, parents tell their children about their divorce together, putting aside negative attitudes towards each other for the time being. When both spouses are present during the conversation, they demonstrate to their children that, despite the divorce, they will still care for them and help them, and the children will have a family - albeit in a slightly different form, and both parents will be actively involved in their lives. children. This approach instills peace in the souls of children and gives them confidence in the future.
Before sharing details with your children, take time to think carefully about your words. Try to ensure that there are no contradictions or conflicting information in your words (with your spouse). If you don't know how best to talk to your children about your divorce, seek help from a qualified child psychologist.
Adults need to agree in advance that when talking with children, they will not look for those responsible for the current situation and try to pull the children each to their side. Presenting children with this choice is unfair and can cause them irreparable emotional trauma. Moreover, by blaming the other party for the breakdown of the family, you can “kick the ball into your own goal”; the children will take the side of your spouse.
Before telling children about the divorce, parents should talk among themselves and consider the following recommendations:
- Be honest with your children about the reasons that led you to decide to divorce, but be sensitive to their age and try not to go into detail about your breakup. Tell them everything you think is necessary, without unnecessary details. If conflict situations have arisen between parents before, you can present the information in a form understandable to children, for example: “You know that we often quarrel, so...”
- Don't hide the fact that changes are coming in their lives. Prepare your children for their old lives to change. Reassure your children that, despite the divorce , you will both still love, care for, and be actively involved in their lives. At the same time, you should not make promises that you cannot keep. Try not to let your words turn out to be empty words. Otherwise, children will stop trusting you and will be skeptical of your words and promises.
- Let your children know that their parents' divorce has nothing to do with their behavior or academic performance. Children can misinterpret facts and, to one degree or another, feel guilty about the events that occur. Sometimes children believe that if they behave or study better, their parents will change their minds and not divorce.
- When talking with your children about divorce, try not to demonstrate indignant or skeptical gestures, postures or other nonverbal signs of dissatisfaction, and do not argue with your spouse in front of the children. This behavior is contrary to the message you want to convey to your children about your future cooperation and understanding for their benefit.
- When talking with children, try not to get emotional. Tears, sobs or a depressed state of even one of the parents can seriously frighten children, especially young ones. Don't add to their anxiety by acting out drama. The anxiety of older children may be expressed in the fact that they will hide their true feelings, and then you will not be able to understand their state, experiences and emotions.
If you don't want to tell your children about your divorce together with your spouse, consider who should do it. Perhaps one of you is finding it difficult to find the strength to tell such a story. Perhaps you will both come to the conclusion that the parent to whom the children often turn for advice and help should report the impending divorce.
If during the divorce process the spouses live separately, it is desirable that the children have the opportunity to visit or live with the other parent for some time. This will allow them to once again be convinced of the preservation of relationships with both parents and will give them confidence in their future. However, if children refuse to visit the other parent or do so reluctantly, they should not be forced to do so. Let them have the address of their place of residence, regular and mobile phone numbers and the email address of the other parent so that they can contact him at any time.
Communication between child and father
Most often, the baby stays after a divorce from his mother. At the same time, the father has parental rights that allow him to:
- Participate in solving educational issues;
- Represent the interests of a minor in government bodies;
- Be aware of the child’s health status;
- Receive and issue permission to travel outside the country;
- Communicate and visit your child at any time.
If the frequency of meetings was not established by the parents themselves, and the schedule was drawn up by the court, the mother does not have the right to interfere with visits to the father. In addition, she cannot violate the conditions without a good reason.
Meetings between the child and the father can be organized in any territory. The law does not prohibit a father from taking his children to his home even if he has another family.
If the father refuses to visit the child
There are often cases when, after a break in family relationships, fathers stop communicating with their children. As practice shows, the reasons for this behavior are:
- Reluctance to see your ex-wife;
- Entering into a new marriage, having other children;
- Lack of parental feelings.
Expert commentary
Kamensky Yuri
Lawyer
It is impossible to force a father to communicate with a child after a divorce. However, the law obliges him to participate in the maintenance of his own children until they reach adulthood. The ex-spouse can file an application with the court for alimony. If during the process a man refuses to participate in the life of his offspring, he will be deprived of parental rights.
Deprivation of parental rights due to refusal to meet
The main responsibilities of parents are the maintenance and upbringing of the child. A man who ignores meeting with a child for more than six months and does not participate in his upbringing may be deprived of parental rights at the request of the mother. Exceptions are cases when communication is impossible for acceptable reasons: illness, disability.
However, a man has a chance to resume communication if he changes his attitude towards the child. This opportunity is provided by Article No. 72 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. The decision is made in court. The father will need to prove that he has eliminated the circumstances that prevent him from meeting his children.
Communication between grandparents and grandson
According to Family Law, close relatives of former spouses can communicate with their joint child.
Visits are agreed upon with the parent who lives with the minor. If it is impossible to agree on meetings, grandparents have the right to write a statement to the court. The claim is considered jointly with the guardianship authorities. The court decision will oblige parents not to interfere with the child’s communication with close relatives. Exceptions are cases when such meetings negatively affect the physical and emotional health of the baby. Based on the results of the court hearing, a schedule of visits to the grandson by the grandparents will be drawn up. If the mother does not comply with the court order and continues to hide the child from her ex-husband’s relatives, the applicants can turn to the bailiffs. FSSP employees forcefully organize a meeting.
How to determine the order of communication between father and child through the court
If during the divorce process the spouses did not enter into an agreement about the children, the order of communication and the schedule of visits will be determined by the court. The decision affects the interests of the minor, therefore the guardianship and trusteeship authorities are invited to participate in the hearing.
A child over ten years old can voice his opinion about communication with each of his parents. When considering the case, the judge pays special attention to the characteristics of the former spouses, as well as the degree of their influence on the minor. If a woman proves that during meetings the father manipulates the child and turns him against her, the authority may allow him visits only in the presence of the mother.
In order to determine the order of communication, it is necessary to provide the court with:
- Claim with meeting schedule;
- A photocopy of the divorce certificate;
- A photocopy of the child’s birth document;
- Documents confirming the facts specified in the claim;
- Applicant's work schedule;
- Characteristics from the place of employment and residence;
- Request to call witnesses in the case under consideration;
- A written description of the apartment where the defendant lives with the child.
An application for approval of the schedule is sent to the court at the defendant’s registered address. Before making a decision, the court will examine:
- The level of attachment of the child to the applicant;
- Schoolchild's daily routine;
- The defendant's living conditions;
- Work schedules of former spouses;
- The distance between the residential addresses of children and their absent parent.
Claim to establish a procedure for communication with a child
The claim must contain:
- Name and address of the court.
- Details of the plaintiff, defendant, their addresses and other contact information.
- Next, the state bodies competent to give an opinion on the case are indicated - the guardianship and trusteeship authorities at the place of registration of the plaintiff and defendant.
- A brief summary of the circumstances of the dispute.
- The requirement to determine the order of communication with the child, specifying exactly how.
- Listing of all documents attached to the claim.
- Date and signature of the plaintiff (or his representative).
You can independently prepare a statement of claim to determine the order of communication with the child.
It is worth paying special attention to drawing up a schedule of communication with your child; it is important to clearly indicate the days of the week, specific dates (for example, your birthday or your child’s birthday), public holidays, communication hours, meeting places, joint annual leave, in the presence or without the presence the second parent will undergo communication, etc. These details may be of fundamental importance for the future execution of a judicial act on determining the order of communication with the child. We recommend that you first consult with a family law lawyer on this issue.
Court decision in the case
The court, having heard the arguments of the parties, examined all the evidence, and examined the conclusion of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities, makes a decision on the case.
A judge has the right to refuse a claim to establish a procedure for communication with a child if circumstances are established that negatively affect the child’s psyche when communicating with a parent living separately, or if the plaintiff’s deliberately dishonest intentions in relation to the child are revealed. The court has the right, for example, to establish meetings between the father and the minor exclusively in the presence of the mother.
Note: Communication with a child can be understood as any contact between a parent and a minor: live communication, meetings, spending time together, any methods of remote communication - correspondence, phone calls, video calls, SMS, etc.
In addition, when making a decision on the order of communication between the father (mother) and the child after a divorce, the court takes into account:
- The child’s age and state of health.
- Relationship of a minor with a separate parent.
- The conditions under which communication with the child is planned.
- Time and frequency of communication.
- Will the interests and rights of the child be violated when the claim is satisfied, will this negatively affect his studies, health, development, etc.
The court has the right to take into account all possible direct and indirect evidence. It can be:
- Conclusion of the guardianship authority.
- Certificates, characteristics at the place of residence or work of parents.
- Testimony of witnesses.
- Other documents.
If there are no grounds for refusal, the court makes a decision to establish a procedure for communication with the child in the form in which the plaintiff requested, or with changes.
The parties can also end the consideration of the case by signing a settlement agreement if they come to mutual agreements during the court hearings. This happens quite often in judicial practice. The parties prepare and sign a settlement agreement, which sets out all the agreements reached on establishing the procedure for communication between the separately living parent and the child.
When such an agreement is signed, the court no longer makes a decision on the procedure for communication, but approves the settlement agreement of the parties with a ruling. In the ruling, the court also explains to the parties the consequences of signing such an agreement, according to which repeated appeal to the court in a dispute between the same parties, about the same subject and on the same grounds is not allowed. The proceedings are terminated.
If the determination of meetings with the child through the court has taken place, the judicial act has entered into legal force, but the defendant still opposes the normal relationship between the plaintiff and the minor, he may be held administratively liable in the form of a fine.
In the event of a systematic violation of the order of communication established by the court, the plaintiff has the right to demand a review of the child’s place of residence, despite the previously made decision to determine the order of communication with the child.
How to limit communication between father and child?
A man's right to communicate with his own child may be limited. Article No. 73 of the RF IC specifies the reasons that explain this decision:
- Meetings with a parent have a negative impact on the mental state of the minor;
- When visiting children, the father turns them against their mother;
- Visits disrupt children’s daily routine and interfere with their studies;
- The child is in danger due to the inappropriate behavior of an adult.
Expert commentary
Gorbunova Olga
Lawyer
You can change the order of communication even if, during the divorce, the spouses drew up an agreement about the children and approved a visitation schedule. The child's mother must apply to the court with a written statement. The document indicates the reasons for the appeal, and also attaches evidence confirming the plaintiff’s words. Evidence may include testimony from witnesses or certificates from medical institutions.
Limiting contact with a minor child does not relieve the father of his responsibilities for his maintenance. The decision that the court will make will prohibit the man from raising his offspring on his own. The father will be able to restore full communication through the court, provided that the reasons for the restriction have disappeared and the child expresses a desire to see the parent.
What to do if your ex-spouse prohibits you from communicating with your child
Conflicts between parents and mutual insults can lead to the ex-wife hiding the child and interfering with his communication with his father. If the visitation order was not voluntarily agreed upon during the divorce, the man has every right to resolve the problem in court.
The application must provide evidence of attempts to arrange meetings with the child’s mother. Strong evidence will be the testimony of neighbors, teachers, and mutual acquaintances. They may tell the court that the father:
- Was actively involved in raising the child before the divorce;
- Children need communication with their other parents and are emotionally attached to them;
- The mother prohibits meetings and turns the children against the father due to personal hostility towards her ex-husband.
Psychologists participate in the court hearing and conduct a conversation with the minor. Based on their conclusion, the judge determines the order of communication between the father and the child. If, after the court’s decision, the mother continues to prevent visits, the authority may transfer the children to the care of a man.
The father's right to communicate with his child after divorce
Part 1 art. 66 of the Family Code (FC) of the Russian Federation directly indicates the equality of rights of both parents in communicating with the child, participating in his upbringing and resolving issues related to his education. It is noted that the parent with whom the child lives, in our case the mother, should not create obstacles or limit his communication with the second parent .
After divorce, the father has the right to :
- unhindered access to any information (from educational, educational and medical institutions) about his child, which he considers important and necessary;
- regular meetings and unlimited communication with him;
- participation in decision-making regarding various aspects of his life;
- agreeing to change the child’s surname and taking him outside the country;
- other.
As for meetings and communication between the father and the child, this should happen at any time convenient for both. Watching films in cinemas, going on attractions, going to the forest, fishing or mountains on weekends, relaxing at sea during the holidays - this is a small list of what a father can afford for his minor child.
If frequent meetings are prevented by distance (for example, the father lives in another locality), then nothing should interfere with their communication by phone or via the Internet.
Often, in order to exercise his right to see his child, the father has to adapt to the conditions and demands that his ex-wife puts forward to him. It’s good if they are within reason, although they contradict legal norms.
Unfortunately, there are often cases when, just contrary to all common sense, the mother of a child is categorically against his communication with his father. The reasons are banal - from resentment towards him to the appearance of a new husband. Then the dispute between the former spouses requires resolution either through the conclusion of a voluntary agreement, or the intervention of judicial authorities or guardianship authorities.
